Warning! Intimate Confession imminent: think I’m afraid to blog. Gasp! Really crazy, huh? I go to all of the trouble to make a blog, and then I only blog every now and then. Absolutely no consistency. Well, I’m totally into analyzing things to death. If you don’t do it, you should try. (I’m being sarcastic- you really shouldn’t) The best part is when you analyze things so much that you get what one of my Pastors call the “paralysis of analysis”. That’s when you have analyzed yourself into a corner, and you can’t move. You’re just stuck there, in your corner-stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. So, I think that’s where I am as far as the blogging analysis conundrum. I am in the corner after having analyzed why in the world I am finding it so hard to blog consistently, and I’ve realized that the only way out of the corner is to write my way out. So ironic, yes?
Ok. So here is what I’ve been struggling with. I want to lay my heart out for whatever reason, and boldly proclaim all of my opinions, weaknesses, joys, pain, struggles, and silly nonsense. However, when i begin to do that, I start to think about how people may respond to what I think. There are ones that will be shocked and judge me. There are also ones that may be offended. I don’t think those are the ones that would affect me negatively. It’s the third set of people that I’m just not into dealing with: the argumentative ones. I am all for an intellectual discussion about certain issues and opinions. It is when these discussions turn ugly and no one wants to hear the other’s voice. They only strive to make the other person feel wrong and ashamed. I am so not about those kind of arguments, and I’ve found that there are so many people out there that want to argue for argument’s sake or just to prove that they are right. So, I guess I’m afraid of getting drawn into anything like that.
Number 2 fear/struggle: maybe I have nothing worth saying. I wonder if I am just adding to the noise that currently floods our society. Have you ever noticed that some people feel terribly uncomfortable not talking? There are people that walk around with their phones blaring music in a supermarket that already has music on, people talking, and babies crying. All of this noise makes people talk louder and louder, while trying to get their point across. Am I saying anything of worth? Am I provoking any thought? Is what I am saying resonating with anyone and causing them to think about really interesting if not important issues in our life full of noise? My fear is that my voice may not be heard for what it is meant to be.
Another fear I have is that my words will not portray what my feelings feel. I love searching for just the right words to say that will express what I mean. If you ever talk with me, you will find a few things out that may be endearing or frustrating depending on your tolerance level. First, sometimes it takes me awhile to finish a complete sentence because I think way too hard about just the right way to say it. Secondly, if something is really, really important to me, I can not even get words out of my mouth. I’m totally mute because I need my words to match up to the feeling, and the feeling is so huge. So, it is hard for me to talk about very deep intimate subjects. Writing has been my relief from this weird phenomenon. However, I’ve never done it so publicly as in a blog. So, the fear grips me when I want to write about really important things to me such as acceptance, love, God, freedom, “isms”, and the like.
So, my only course of action to overcome these fears? Action, I guess. Whether someone wants to argue with me or doesn’t hear what I am, in fact, trying to say; or whether I stumble and misrepresent my own feelings, I have to just say what I want to say. Sitting in this corner paralyzed by fear and analysis is no way to live my life. I will never not care what other people think, because I’m a caring empathetic person. However, I choose not to be ruled by that like I used to be. I’m a pretty confident person now that I have grown up (in age, anyway). So, even if this blogging thing doesn’t change the world or change anyone’s life, it will change how I express myself. So, brace yourself for some opinions that might not line up with what you thought I believe or didn’t believe. Brace yourself for words that might not be traditionally phrased or line up with what you believe about the world. This girl is coming out of the corner slinging some ink and looking to write her own story! No fear will put me in timeout for long. I’m coming out swinging.