Tag Archives: writing

I Am Not A Poser!

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        I have always thought that I was a poser. If you’re my friend, you’ve heard me say it. I often question myself as to whether I really like something or if I am just pretending to like it (I know, it sounds a little crazy). Take the avocado, for instance. I first starting eating it on sandwiches and salads. I thought that I liked it, but was wondering if maybe it was the “mystique” of the avocado that was drawing me in. Then, one day, I just scooped some out of the shell and ate it plain! I kept thinking, “Do I really like this?” as I ate it. I’m still not completely convinced that I’m not just drawn in by the coolness of it or if I really like the taste. You may think that this is some kind of crazy talk, but I am always questioning my motivations about everything. I don’t want to be a poser. I want to be authentic in everything that I do, create, and promote. 

     So, when I started calling myself a “writer” or an “artist”, it felt very poser-y. I forced myself to do it though. I knew that if I didn’t speak what I felt in my heart, then I would never actually become that very thing. Even though I felt it in my heart, I still had that little devil on my shoulder telling me that it was pretentious and that I didn’t have the right credentials for either title. Even as I am writing this, I am cringing at my audacity. How dare I think that I am a writer? What have I created that validates calling myself an artist? Then, I remember what inspires me and what drives me.

      Tonight I was catching up on some reality shows that I hadn’t seen in awhile. I love anything where people compete in a creative way. Project Runway and Face Off are my two favorites. I was watching Face Off, and they had to design a character that showed a certain art movement like impressionism, surrealism etc. I was so inspired by this! I was excited about the paintings and how the creature makeup artists translated that into a character. The energy that I got from that inspiration made me want to go into my kitchen/work room and start making something. I started thinking about this awesome octopus eating a clock light fixture that I have 1/4 of the way done. It revved me up to make something. As for writing, when I read a poem or a novel that resonates with my soul, it fuels me to create perfectly crafted sentences that would do that for someone else. I’m drawn to emotions like sadness, joy, frustration, longing, and emptiness, and I want to translate them into some sort of art form. 

      Because these inspirations and drives have always been present in my life for as long as I can remember, I feel pretty confident when I say I’m a writer and artist, even though that little devil never completely disappears. I think I would be a poser if I didn’t acknowledge my authentic self. I’ve spent my life trying to be good and trying to do what was acceptable. It’s impossible for me. I was very strict with myself when it came to church and religion in my 20’s and 30’s because I thought that it would make me good. I’ve finally figured out that God wired me a certain way to be able to express all of the emotions that he gave us. Anything I could do to stifle those or lock them out was the true sin. I know some people wouldn’t agree with that, but I believe it with my whole heart. 

        So, what is your passion? What makes your soul sing? What have you denied about yourself? Have you ever felt like a poser? Because I have gone through this semi-transformation (I believe it isn’t over yet), I am so interested to know these things about everyone. Customers come in to the grocery store, and I often find myself pulling out of them what they always wished they had done. They tell me their dreams and desires while they are buying deodorant and tampons. I’ve always been a champion of other peoples’ dreams- I want so much for them to get what they want. So now, I must keep telling myself that my dreams are valid and I am not a poser. Repeat after me: I am not a poser! I am a (fill in the blank)! We are our own worst enemy, but we are also our biggest supporter. Support yourself and let’s see what great things will happen. 

I’m Afraid of Blogging!

     

       Warning! Intimate Confession imminent:  think I’m afraid to blog. Gasp! Really crazy, huh? I go to all of the trouble to make a blog, and then I only blog every now and then. Absolutely no consistency. Well, I’m totally into analyzing things to death. If you don’t do it, you should try. (I’m being sarcastic- you really shouldn’t) The best part is when you analyze things so much that you get what one of my Pastors call the “paralysis of analysis”. That’s when you have analyzed yourself into a corner, and you can’t move. You’re just stuck there, in your corner-stuck. Stuck. Stuck. Stuck. So, I think that’s where I am as far as the blogging analysis conundrum. I am in the corner after having analyzed why in the world I am finding it so hard to blog consistently, and I’ve realized that the only way out of the corner is to write my way out. So ironic, yes?

        Ok. So here is what I’ve been struggling with. I want to lay my heart out for whatever reason, and boldly proclaim all of my opinions, weaknesses, joys, pain, struggles, and silly nonsense. However, when i begin to do that, I start to think about how people may respond to what I think. There are ones that will be shocked and judge me. There are also ones that may be offended. I don’t think those are the ones that would affect me negatively. It’s the third set of people that I’m just not into dealing with: the argumentative ones. I am all for an intellectual discussion about certain issues and opinions. It is when these discussions turn ugly and no one wants to hear the other’s voice. They only strive to make the other person feel wrong and ashamed. I am so not about those kind of arguments, and I’ve found that there are so many people out there that want to argue for argument’s sake or just to prove that they are right. So, I guess I’m afraid of getting drawn into anything like that. 

        Number 2 fear/struggle: maybe I have nothing worth saying. I wonder if I am just adding to the noise that currently floods our society. Have you ever noticed that some people feel terribly uncomfortable not talking? There are people that walk around with their phones blaring music in a supermarket that already has music on, people talking, and babies crying. All of this noise makes people talk louder and louder, while trying to get their point across. Am I saying anything of worth? Am I provoking any thought? Is what I am saying resonating with anyone and causing them to think about really interesting if not important issues in our life full of noise? My fear is that my voice may not be heard for what it is meant to be.

         Another fear I have is that my words will not portray what my feelings feel. I love searching for just the right words to say that will express what I mean. If you ever talk with me, you will find a few things out that may be endearing or frustrating depending on your tolerance level. First, sometimes it takes me awhile to finish a complete sentence because I think way too hard about just the right way to say it. Secondly, if something is really, really important to me, I can not even get words out of my mouth. I’m totally mute because I need my words to match up to the feeling, and the feeling is so huge. So, it is hard for me to talk about very deep intimate subjects. Writing has been my relief from this weird phenomenon. However, I’ve never done it so publicly as in a blog. So, the fear grips me when I want to write about really important things to me such as acceptance, love, God, freedom, “isms”, and the like. 

            So, my only course of action to overcome these fears? Action, I guess. Whether someone wants to argue with me or doesn’t hear what I am, in fact, trying to say; or whether I stumble and misrepresent my own feelings, I have to just say what I want to say. Sitting in this corner paralyzed by fear and analysis is no way to live my life. I will never not care what other people think, because I’m a caring empathetic person. However, I choose not to be ruled by that like I used to be. I’m a pretty confident person now that I have grown up (in age, anyway). So, even if this blogging thing doesn’t change the world or change anyone’s life, it will change how I express myself. So, brace yourself for some opinions that might not line up with what you thought I believe or didn’t believe. Brace yourself for words that might not be traditionally phrased or line up with what you believe about the world. This girl is coming out of the corner slinging some ink and looking to write her own story! No fear will put me in timeout for long. I’m coming out swinging. 

“Becoming a Writer” Progress Report

   

 Oh my goodness! I haven’t blogged in so long, and I need to get back on the ball. So, since I was super hungry when I got home from work , and I ate a humongous bowl of ramen noodles. I now cannot possibly go to sleep for at least another hour and a half, Therefore, I shall seize the opportunity to get you all caught up on my “becoming a writer” progress.

     So, you would think that “becoming a writer” would entail a large amount of writing, yes? Well, thus far, I have been doing only slightly more writing, and now I am getting overwhelmed with trying to start a freelance editing and proofreading website. I really have no idea how to run a business, so it is making me a little crazy. I’ve been spending hours researching things like business licenses and what an LLC is. Do you know how many bureaus and agencies that you have to notify when you start a business? Neither do I; the list was too long to count! Then there are the nuts and bolts of a website. What do I want on the homepage? What should the name be? What color scheme will attract the most people? Oh my word, there are so many things to consider. And this is only one of the projects that is consuming my time.

     Then, there is the graphic novel that I am working on with a friend. It is his idea, and I am more of a “translator”. I ask questions and pull the story out of him. I do research and fill in the gaps. He is the idea man, and I am the detail girl. However, the more that I ask questions and try to get an ending to this story, it becomes more and more complex. So much so that I feel like it will become some type of never- ending series. There may be one little problem with how a character actually comes to the point where he acts out in some way, and suddenly we have this huge back story that would fill another volume just about that one character. It wouldn’t be so bad if I were actually writing something more than notes.  

         I am also supposed to be getting together some poems for a small book of poetry that Susie-Q Publishing is going to put out, and I haven’t even begun to work on that. Not to mention the novel that I am about 75 pages into and several short stories still to edit. All of this “becoming a writer” business is leaving me pretty fragmented, but very very happy.

           I don’t think that I have ever been so happy in my entire life. I quit my teaching job and am down to one part time job. I don’t have a husband to help with support, but I am feeling joy in managing what little I have. All of this is because I am in my zone. Even if this zone is whirling and swirling with unfinished projects, questions, and stacks of scribbly-noted paper, I am happy. Let me say it again: I am happy! My desire is to ultimately be supported only by writing and editing. One day, I will be able to quit my part time job as well. When that day comes, you may read a blog about an explosion of happiness, but right now I will settle for the infusion of happiness I feel in every inch of my body. The process of “becoming a writer” is the most amazing process I’ve ever begun. I can’t wait to get up every morning.

           So, I hope you enjoyed the update, and I hope you are moving toward something that makes you just as happy. We all deserve to do the things we love and were made to do. Now hopefully my ramen noodles have digested so I can hit the hay and wake up ready for another day of “becoming a writer”. It’s my favorite!